Meltdown

I just finished watching a DVD by Tapestry Ministry called "Meltdown," presented by Debra Jones.

Here is one of my favorite points she made, which I will elaborate on myself, deviating from her talk:

"Kids use manipulation when they're not safe to get their needs met."

Why is it that our society is so bent on stamping out the manipulative, controlling mongrel before taking a step back, a deep breath, and looking at our innocent, dependent child?

Of course there are times that the child doesn't really need what they're asking for. But almost always, there're more to it. My youngest sister, who is developmentally delayed because of the horrid abuse she endured the first four years of her life, taught me the importance of this when we visited my parents' house last Saturday. She asked me to get her a plate of food. My first thought was, "I'm tired. I'm busy. I'm getting plates for myself, my child, and my husband (who was monitoring our child). She's nine! She can do it herself." So I said in a happy voice, "I think you could do that yourself." To which she replied, somewhat fearfully, "But I can't get the chicken myself." Our wise mother knew there was more to it, and so she turned and asked our 14-year-old sister to get the 9-year-old's plate of food for her. The 14-year-old complained but did as she was told. If my mother had not have intervened, I probably would have asked her to come and get what she was able to on her own and I would get the chicken for her, even though she appeared physically able to get it herself.

Looking back now, I can't deny that there was fear on her face when she admitted she was not able to get the chicken herself. I don't know why. I don't know what happened in her past that would make her scared to get a piece of chicken and put it on her plate. But I must respect her as a person and know that when treated respectfully, someday she will feel safe enough to talk about and deal with the many, many traumas she has endured.

The DVD was made with hurt children in mind, and how to help keep them from "melting down"--which looks like a tantrum but actually stems from deep hurt that has not yet been properly dealt with. I'm in the process of reading a book called "The Connected Child," which talks about how to interact with hurt children and help them to gradually heal, at least to an extent. They will never completely get over the loss of a birth mother, the shame and pain of abuse, the fear of neglect or abandonment. But they can improve. There is hope. That is the point.

I believe that these principles are applicable and beneficial to all children, parents, and educators. Looking back at my own son's little life, there have been many times when it didn't seem like he really needed anything. "Surely he is crying for no reason," I would sometimes think. But I kid you not, every time I ignored his cry, I would later find that something odd was wrong. I had not noticed he'd soiled his diaper. Or he dropped ice cubes into his car seat and his legs were beat red from the freezer burn. Or he had painful gas and needed help sitting up. Each time I was reminded that his cry is his way of communicating his need, and I must figure out what that need is and do my best to meet it.

The truth was, there was no APPARENT REASON for his cry. Even if he is just lonely, I believe I should respect his feeling and be there for him. Who knows what he sees or feels but him and God alone? Just because he can't verbalize what he's going through, does not mean that it is any less important.

So, although I too believe that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God from conception, I do not believe that that means that we are all born evil manipulators trying to rob our parents' of their joy and sleep. This is an exaggeration of some common beliefs of this culture, but I know that some people feel this way at times. I must remind myself that I am parenting a little person who needs me. I must respect him. I must love him. I must be kind to him. I need the Holy Spirit to be the kind of mom I want to be, so I must pray more often!