Deeper Thoughts

When we first got married, we were together for about a week before my husband left for Japan. I followed him a week or two later. It was extremely difficult to be separated from him, especially so soon after having been married. Since then, I have visited the States without him twice (the first time he followed a week later, the second time he didn't), but he hasn't gone anywhere for more than a night without me.

That changed this past weekend when he went to volunteer in Iwate, one of the northern prefectures that was devastated by the earthquake and tsunami last month. He left immediately after work Thursday night, and he should be home this evening (Monday evening).

I miss him a lot. He's the one who reminds me to rest & not overwork. He never complains and always eats anything and everything I make for him happily and with thankfulness--unless it has olives on it! He's always willing to help me. He tries hard to listen carefully to me when I talk to him. I really miss his sweet smile.

But God has used this time without him well. Just before he left, a single friend posted the following on her Facebook:

" Eph.5:22- "Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands AS you do TO THE LORD."

It's gonna be really hard to submit to a man if we can't submit FIRST to our LORD! (Lord- KURIOS=RULER OF ALL includng my LIFE)

We need to begin diggin into the scriptures and submitting to the Lord NOW in singleness then it won't be so hard to submit to a man in marriage. WHY WAIT? "

It was a great reminder of where my focus should be. Before getting married, I was adamant, like she is, about putting God and man in the right places in my heart and life. But once I started dating, even though he was the right one, I found myself drifting in the direction of wanting to depend more on him and less on God. Of course it's only natural and right to depend on one's husband, but as a Christian I know that God is much more dependable than people, and my husband is only human. He can't take the full weight that I tried to put on him in the beginning of our marriage. And there's nothing wrong with that!

Perhaps it was the Holy Spirit, I don't know, but something motivated me to start reading some "books" I hadn't picked up for some time.

Let me give you some background. I left my Amplified Bible (you know, the one that describes the EXACT meaning of every single word/phrase of each and every verse) at my parents' house when we moved here, and I kind of missed it. I had recently gotten an iPhone, so I decided to buy an electronic Amplified Bible & download it to my phone. However this application also included several articles written by John Piper and other authors, and sometimes I would read through these "books" (as they were called in the "library" on this application).

It had been more than six months since I'd even opened that application, but for some reason I opened it last Friday--my first Daiju-less day. I began reading John Piper's biography of George Mueller, and after that, that of Charles Spurgeon. I have been so encouraged by them! And more than that, my faith has been redirected. I feel like I'm mentally much more ready to go in the right direction now.

First I read of George Mueller. [The following quotes are from this source:

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/biographies/george-muellers-strategy-for-showing-god]

I had read of him during junior high or high school. He's famous for building and running orphanages in the 1800s in England. But his faith was extraordinary! However, his goal in life was for everyone to see that his faith was what every Believer should have, and that it was not something beyond the average Christian's grasp.

" The difference between the gift and the grace of faith seems to me this. According to the gift of faith I am able to do a thing, or believe that a thing will come to pass, the not doing of which, or the not believing of which would not be sin; according to the grace of faith I am able to do a thing, or believe that a thing will come to pass, respecting which I have the word of God as the ground to rest upon, and, therefore, the not doing it, or the not believing it would be sin. For instance, the gift of faith would be needed, to believe that a sick person should be restored again though there is no human probability: for there is no promise to that effect; the grace of faith is needed to believe that the Lord will give me the necessaries of life, if I first seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness: for there is a promise to that effect. "

But what really struck me was something I knew very well as a child, but seem to have forgotten the importance of recently: The daily reading of (not skimming--but actually paying attention to) the Scriptures, and its effects on one's outlook on the day and life in general.

" According to my judgement the most important point to be attended to is this: above all things see to it that your souls are happy in the Lord. Other things may press upon you, the Lord's work may even have urgent claims upon your attention, but I deliberately repeat, it is of supreme and paramount importance that you should seek above all things to have your souls truly happy in God Himself! Day by day seek to make this the most important business of your life. This has been my firm and settled condition for the last five and thirty years. For the first four years after my conversion I knew not its vast importance, but now after much experience I specially commend this point to the notice of my younger brethren and sisters in Christ: the secret of all true effectual service is joy in God, having experimental acquaintance and fellowship with God Himself.

...But in what way shall we attain to this settled happiness of soul? How shall we learn to enjoy God? How obtain such an all-sufficient soul-satisfying portion in him as shall enable us to let go the things of this world as vain and worthless in comparison? I answer, This happiness is to be obtained through the study of the Holy Scriptures. God has therein revealed Himself unto us in the face of Jesus Christ. "

It is so simple, yet so profound! I had lost the joy of my salvation not because of someone else's influence, nor because of some terrible situation or circumstance. No, I had lost it because I had stopped looking for it in the proper place--His Word!

Then I went on to read John Piper's account of Charles Spurgeon. I was familiar with his story, too. He was a great evangelist who, about a century ago, greatly influenced the Faith. You can read his biography here: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/biographies/charles-spurgeon-preaching-through-adversity . The quotes below are from this source.

Though I am no preacher, I could identify with many of his personal struggles. I too battle against chronic pain and chemical depression. His description of the latter is so true:

" My spirits were sunken so low that I could weep by the hour like a child, and yet I knew not what I wept for. ...Causeless depression cannot be reasoned with, nor can David's harp charm it away by sweet discoursings. As well fight with the mist as with this shapeless, undefinable, yet all-beclouding hopelessness ... The iron bolt which so mysteriously fastens the door of hope and holds our spirits in gloomy prison, needs a heavenly hand to push it back. "

Yet, unlike me, he saw purpose in his depression. He saw God using it to keep him humble, to enable him to minister to others with the same problem (saving one man from suicide), and pointing him to a brighter future.

" This depression comes over me whenever the Lord is preparing a larger blessing for my ministry; the cloud is black before it breaks, and overshadows before it yields its deluge of mercy. Depression has now become to me as a prophet in rough clothing, a John the Baptist, heralding the nearer coming of my Lord's richer benison. "

To be honest, until now, I had not seen my depression as anything but a rock to trip over. It keeps me from progressing as I'd like, and takes captive the optimistic side of me which I truly identify with. I have seen no good purpose in it, and no good reason for it.

But perhaps, like my pain, I must share it with others before I can be well. My prayer all along has been that, if and when I am healed, it would glorify God. But for the longest time I have been unwilling to tell others that I am weak. I do not want anyone to know what my struggles are. But the more open I have become about my pain, the closer God has brought me to recovery. So, perhaps it is the same with depression. In order to rid myself of it, I must glorify Him in it. I don't say this sarcastically--it would bring me great joy and deep satisfaction for my mental and physical healing to benefit God's name (reputation).

The following quote from Charles Spurgeon gave me great hope:

" When I was racked some months ago with pain, to an extreme degree, so that I could no longer bear it without crying out, I asked all to go from the room, and leave me alone; and then I had nothing I could say to God but this, 'Thou are my Father, and I am thy child; and thou, as a Father art tender and full of mercy. I could not bear to see my child suffer as thou makest me suffer, and if I saw him tormented as I am now, I would do what I could to help him, and put my arms under him to sustain him. Wilt thou hide thy face from me, my Father? Wilt thou still lay on a heavy hand, and not give me a smile from thy countenance?' ... So I pleaded, and I ventured to say, when I was quiet, and they came back who watched me: 'I shall never have such pain again from this moment, for God has heard my prayer.' I bless God that ease came and the racking pain never returned"

It's great how God speaks to me so clearly through his saints--those who have gone before and those who are with us today. Last Sunday and the Sunday before, our pastor said in his sermon that God wants us to call Him "Daddy." He wants us to be that intimate with Him, to trust him, to go to Him and sit on his lap like a child would with his or her dad.

I've heard this sort of talk before, but I was sort of turned off to it in high school. I went to some kind of youth conference, and many of the people there prayed, "Daddy Jesus" at the beginning and throughout their public prayers. It was really shocking to me to hear them call God "Daddy," but also a bit theologically unsound since Jesus is the Son and not the Father. I should have latched onto the "Daddy" part and realized its significance then, but instead I just sat frowning at the strange "Daddy Jesus" people.

Any way, what our pastor said and what Charles Spurgeon said are so similar, it just makes sense that this is something God really wants me to hear. I now understand how I am to pray concerning my pain and really anything that is bothering me. My earthly father has let me go through tough things so I can grow, but if it is something exceedingly painful, he does what he can to help me. Why wouldn't my heavenly "Daddy" do the same? I have made "Father"="Farther" and forgotten how near my God is. Now I know exactly what my attitude should be, and how I should pray.

Another way He has spoken to me in the past couple of days is through His Word. I was feeling pretty down, and hadn't been reading the Bible consistently. I finally decided to sit down and read, even though it was the middle of the day (if I read, it's usually at breakfast). I must confess I was especially down because I had just sinned in my heart, and felt quite ashamed of myself. So I sat down and opened my Bible to the last place I had read. I began where I left off, in Romans.

With a guilty heart, I read:

" Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin. He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." (Romans 8:1-4)

If that's not a message from God, I don't know what is! Here I was, sulking at how I had failed both my own and God's standards, and here He was, saying, "Look at yourself! Don't you know who you are in Christ?! You are not condemned, you are FREE! Now move on!!!"

John Piper says of George Mueller (emphasis mine):

" He said that God had given him the mercy in “being able to take God by His word and to rely upon it.” He was grieved that “so many believers . . . were harassed and distressed in mind, or brought guilt on their consciences, on account of not trusting in the Lord.” This grace that he had to trust God's promises, and this grief that so many believers didn't trust his promises, shaped Mueller's entire life."

This bolded portion is definitely me. Most of the time. I'm going to be trying to change that from now on. Changing the mind is not an easy task, but my God says to be "transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2), so I think I have a good foundation, anyway. It may take a lifetime, but I'm going to start now!